Month: October 2015

I remember sitting in the Neurology waiting room. It was November 14, 2013- my 28^th birthday. We sat in silence for the most part. I had brought a devotional that I have now read through almost three times- Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. The message for the day included 2 Corinthians 4:8-9:

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair…struck down, but not destroyed (emphasis mine).

As we entered into a room and the nurse saw that we were new patient(s), she quickly started a video and asked us to watch. She said the doctor would be in shortly after. The video was an early 90’s role play on different types of seizures. A seizure video? I thought. Isn’t this a little dramatic? We have some stuff going on, but it isn’t that serious. We aren’t those people.

Almost two years later, I sit in my living room, candle lit, Bible open, obsessively glancing over at our video monitor- waiting for the next seizure to begin.

After putting the girls to bed last Monday night, we went upstairs to find Bailey Grace having some type of seizure activity. Both Hugh and I agreed that what we saw was different than what we have seen before, but we were cautiously hopeful that maybe it was a singled out event. The next night, around the same time, round two happened. Round three happened shortly after, and it was then that we determined we would do an ambulatory (at home) video EEG to find out more information.

On Monday night, after noticing that Bailey Grace was in fact having seizure activity, we went upstairs to find much more than we anticipated:

Ally was having a seizure as well.

We turned on the lights, got the video in proper position for Bailey Grace and began using Hugh’s phone to capture Ally, and basically waited it out (the only thing you can do in that situation). As I sat there watching both of my children’s brain’s misfire minute after minute, surreal doesn’t quite describe my emotions.

We contacted our neurologist Tuesday morning and turned in the EEG equipment, anxious to hear what the report read.

Yesterday afternoon, as we talked through the findings, my mama heart crumbled.

Two different types of epileptic behavior were found. At one point, Bailey Grace was seizing for twenty minutes in the early dawn hours, and we had absolutely no idea.

The details are not to be shared as of now, but the bottom line is that both Bailey Grace and Ally are having two different types of seizures throughout the night, they are never entering into rest because of the connections in their brains, and yet again, their doctors are perplexed by the combination of activity they are seeing and are not sure how to treat it currently. In the next few days, we will check in to the epileptic unit (separately, unfortunately) in order to find out more information to help our girls as best as we can.

We are perplexed.

We feel struck down.

Yet, we are not driven to despair and-thanks be to God- we are not destroyed.

Real talk: there is a large part of me that wants to give my humanity and mama powers much more credit than I deserve. While we are pretty confident this is not the case, there is a chance that this activity has been going on for a while and we simply never caught it. Laying in bed, I stared at the monitor, just waiting to jump up and go show up for one (or both) of my girls. I wanted to rush in there and hold their little hands and tell them that I was absolutely there this time and that I was sorry for when I had not been.

Except that God is God and I am not.

The thing is this: as a parent, we long for limitless, perfect protection for our kids. We want to be there for them in everything. Yet, at some point in this parenting journey, we realize that our humanity gets in the way of this desire. The illness comes. The crying won’t stop. The friends say hurtful things. The cancer comes. The car wreck happens. Life seems to get in the way of our ability to do whatever it takes to rescue our kids from whatever comes. But God. As I lay there last night, He reminded me of the security of His presence. He reminded me that His Word says He will, “fasten (him) like a peg in a secure place” (Isaiah 22:23). And- only in the Lord, it shall be said of me, are righteousness and strength (Isaiah 45:24). You know, I don’t know why this is the first time we have become aware of these seizures are girls are having. I don’t know why God chose to make us aware within the same week. I don’t know if these were the first incidences or if they have been going on for quite some time. But God. He knows. His strength is made perfect in all my weaknesses and He makes it His responsibility to work out the details of this journey He is writing for us. The girls are entrusted to us but ultimately, they are His. We are called to simply move forward in trust. In all things. No matter what. Even when we feel afflicted, perplexed, and struck down.

“If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for by them, you have given me life.”- Psalm 119:92-93

Friends, there is no greater joy than to find yourself in the midst of hardship and trial absolutely and completely kept by the God who uses all things for good and glory. There is nothing that compares with trusting that He is the One who has allowed whatever comes your way and that He has the ability to bring glory from disappointment and suffering. I would have perished- yet because of His great love, I have life. In all things. At all times. Regardless of earthly outcome.

“Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.”- Hebrews 12:12, emphasis mine

I believe with all my heart that God is using Ally and Bailey Grace’s story to draw people to Himself. The truth is, while it may appear they are the “lame” ones- in ways, I believe we are. Our hearts are distracted and fixated on earthly trinkets, when heavenly joys await. We choose to look at what seems to matter today at the expense of focusing on what matters for eternity. We are lame of soul, and Christ is the only answer. My prayer for YOU today is that you would see the Jesus in our family’s story and in turn, see the Jesus in yours. I pray you would look at our girls as a tangible reminder that there is a God who takes mutations and disability and seizure and makes something beautiful out of it. I pray you would find healing in the One who takes everything and threads it together for His glory and our good. Yes, we feel struck down. Yes, we are perplexed. Yes, our hearts are weary. Yet, thanks be to God that in Jesus, the victory is already won. Praise the God of the universe who has allowed and ordained and determined what is best for each of our lives. He wastes nothing. He is making beautiful things out of the very things that we think might break us. He is worthy of our trust, worthy of our praise. Everything has been filtered through His loving hands, even when our humanity cannot grasp the whys.

We know the Who and that is enough.

All glory, and honor, and praise to Him and Him alone.

One of the most common emails I get is a simple question:

How?

How do you choose faith despite intense emotion?

How do you choose God when it seems as if He has betrayed you?

How do you not lean on your own understanding when everything is falling apart?

How?

“He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady he will not be afraid…”- Psalm 112:7-8a

We have entered into a new hard within this journey with our girls. It is something that my momma gut knew was coming; yet, regardless of if you anticipate something, the pain is still there.

I am not quite ready to reveal this new piece of our puzzle, but it is so pressed on my heart to share with you the how that God has used to transform my joy in the midst of whatever comes.

You see, these aren’t just words.

For years of my life, I wasted time desiring Jesus but living defeated. My faith was based on my own performance, and as my performance failed, I determined that I just couldn’t be “one of those Christians.” After all, I felt like I was humiliating His name; claiming Him one second and then doing something completely opposite of His character the next. The enemy of my soul had me in such a cycle of defeat that I didn’t ever see how that could be broken. I wanted to want God; I wanted to live a life of abundant joy, yet I could not figure out how to do so.

But God.

He took my mustard seed faith and as I continued to seek His Word despite being a theological mess, He gave me a deeper understanding and a stronger desire for Him. He used my mistakes to show me more of Himself. As the Psalmist said, He drew me from the pit of destruction and set my feet upon a rock- THE ROCK- making my steps secure (Psalm 40:2, emphasis mine).

Now, a few years after God gripped my entire being and gifted me with some truths that I could not do life without, we stand in the midst of the hardest trial that has ever come our way- a chronic one that is unpredictable and anxiety-provoking at many moments.

This is the life God has chosen for us.

So, how?

Many of you have sent me honest, authentic emails that say, in various forms, this simple statement:

I’m not buying it.

I don’t believe that you are experiencing joy in the midst of every moment that your family has walked through.

It’s impossible.

To those of you who have said this (or thought it), I would say two things:

First, there is a stark difference in joy and happiness. Joy is much more permanent. Joy stems from a deeper, soul-seated assurance that my God is faithful and He already has the victory. Happiness ebbs and flows based on circumstance, trial, or mood.

I am NOT happy at all times. Many days, tears are shed and I fight to sense this joy that I know is present deep down inside of me. Yet, as I seek God more, the joy that is there bubbles up from within and trumps the unhappiness in a way that cannot be described or comprehended by our feeble human minds, it can only be experienced in faith. Even I, a woman of many words, cannot explain what happens when we seek God’s provision to make our joy greater than the fleeting emotions from around and within, yet I know it is real because I experience it every day.

So, how?

This is not a comprehensive list. This is not a, “How-to” in its entirety.

However, I would like to share with you some practical things that I have done in the midst of trials, both big and small, that have helped me to choose God therefore experience joy.

(Sidenote: I was really excited to make this a list of “P’s”. I have always wanted to do a blog or speak in this manner, yet I found myself really stretching some of them and nixed it. You’re welcome).

1.Praise first.

When a trial is fresh, our emotions show up full-throttle, and there is nothing wrong with this! Emotions are not a bad thing when filtered with truth. Yet, I have found that I must steer those emotions and that energy toward praise. In ways, praise is the antidote to pain. Now, I don’t mean bowing down on the ground and reciting a script to God because, “It’s the right thing to do”. No. There are so many ways that you can praise God, and it is going to look different for everyone based on their personality. Some of the things I do in order to praise Him first are the following:

Listen to worship music. Sing loud and dance. Sometimes I cry during this and cannot even get the words out. If the girls are awake, we praise together. I will take their little hands and raise them in the air and speak His goodness over their lives. I cannot describe the intimacy that forms between God and myself when this is what I do first in spite of the things my flesh would like to do (wallow, seek pleasure or escape, be numb, zone out). You see, the enemy of your soul wants you to believe that a life with God is ‘less’, that you will feel less alive in relationship with Him. That could not be further from the truth! I never feel more alive than when I’m connected with My Creator.

Find a way to get outside. This is for my husband. Now, while we would love it, that may not be a long hike in the woods or an afternoon fishing, depending on timing. Sometimes, all it takes is stepping outside of the office for a few minutes and breathing in God’s creation. Looking around at the good He has created and thanking Him for it. Nature is God’s playground and it nourishes our weary souls.

Fixate on the character of God. Get a Bible (or if you don’t have one, google, “Traits that make up the character of God”) and spend some time saying out loud or writing down specific traits that God is. He is kind. He is righteousness. He is strong. He is worthy. He is sovereign. He is good… the list goes on and on. This brings Him praise and stirs our hearts to trust Him as we remember who He is and that His character is unchanging.

2. Pour out your heart.

God’s Word tells us to pour out our hearts like water to Him (Lamentations 2:19). Instead of giving into the temptation to speak to another human being first, seek God first and then sound friendship second. (The sound part is key- we must reach out to someone who knows truth and is going to give that truth to us gently instead of allowing us to dwell in lies). Tell Him everything- all your emotions, all your fears, all your frustrations- and then leave them with Him. He knows what to do with the heaviness of our hearts and anything we bring to Him is safe left in His Almighty hand. When it comes to community, I am so grateful God has given us friends who show up in our hard and love us with the love of Christ. They come, they let us cry, they pray, they speak truth over us. If you do not have this- pray for it. Actively seek it out. Don’t wait until the trial comes to realize that you don’t have solid community- seek it now. Also- the internet is great but it cannot replace tangible human interaction. I love online support groups and have found solace there- but we all need physical human relationship in our lives and social media just doesn’t replace it.

3. Get in His Word.

Now, if you are not a Christ follower, you do not have His Spirit inside of you. This means that when you read His Word, it is going to feel dead to you. This is a whole new conversation. For those that are believers, His Word is living and active, which means it is prepared and equipped with whatever today holds. We must seek His Word in all things, and go to it when we need to be reminded of what is true. As I am typing this, my computer battery was low and I had to plug it up to the charger. Think of God’s Word like the Charger of your faith- God is the battery and He gives us His Word to grant us power. Go through stories of those who walked through trials throughout Scripture and see God’s faithfulness in the midst. Read through the Psalms as if they were the very words on your own lips.

 

 

4. Be Present.

When something happens with the girls, it is so easy for me to go into future mode. I think about the what-ifs, the things that could come, etc. Resist the temptation to go there and instead, be present in what He has for you today, leaving the future to Him. We are not given the strength for tomorrow, today; we are given today’s strength and that is enough. Stick in this moment, and remind yourself that He is the Great I AM- sovereign over all.

5. Serve.

This doesn’t have to be something grandeur. Remember, the big things are the little things. Send a text to a friend who is walking through a hard time. Bring a meal to someone “just because”. Smile and say hi to the neighbor that always seems to be having a bad day. Write a letter or thank you to someone who has encouraged you. Call a friend, ask about their day, and simply listen without anticipation of talking about yours. Get out of yourself for a bit and the story in your own life and be refreshed.

6. Plan Ahead.

What I mean by that is this: determine in this moment, right now, that you are going to choose God as your default. Even if this has never been your desire before, ask Him to give you that desire, and do not base His faithfulness on your own passing emotions. Simply choose to trust Him and His faithfulness regardless of what the next moment holds. Make God your default. Get up every day, hands and heart open, and surrender your own expectations and entitlements to His greater plans and sovereign will. Then, when the unexpected comes, and if it hasn’t already, at some point it will, you will already know where you are going to go- straight to the throne room where grace and strength abound.

You know, so many times, when people hear our story for the first time, they say something along the lines of, “You’re amazing”. While I know they mean this in such a nice way- my response is always the same, “Our God is amazing.” Dear reader, within myself, I do not have the ability to choose joy. I do not have more faith than the next person, I just have made one simple yet profound choice to trust Him no matter what. In the midst of that, I have become addicted to His presence and praise. I have been amazed as He dissipates my fears and gives me the drive and the ability to place my security in Him. My heart and my flesh my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever and this has been my answer in each and every crevice of this journey with our precious daughters (Psalm 73).

Friend, I don’t know what you are walking through this morning. I don’t know if, like me, new burdens are piling on and lots of questions are raising in your mind. My prayer for you is that no matter how hot the furnace, you would remember your God is able to carry you through the fire. That you would know, in the very depths of who you are, that no trial comes to your life without first passing through His loving sovereign hand. I pray you would take heart that this world is not our home and that if healing doesn’t come on this side of heaven, it is promised on the next. This world is not our home yet God is good and He has overcome all things that threaten to harm us. Come what may, let’s choose God and choose joy regardless of the storm around or within. The strength of our God is greater still.

“I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much”.

We have all heard this anonymous quote from time to time, and with all due respect to anonymous, I disagree with it on so many levels. First off, God never says He won’t give us more than we can handle; He says He won’t give us more than He can handle. (Which, by the way, is anything and everything that He in His sovereign goodness chooses to ordain). Secondly, He doesn’t trust us as individuals. He trusts the God in us. He trusts His own faithfulness despite our lack of faithfulness. He trusts His own plan. But us? He knows that we are frail and weak and human and dust when left to our own humanity. Instead of being insulting, this should be unbelievably comforting because it takes the responsibility to formulate good out of all things His job description, not yours. We are called to trust, to obey, to seek. He asks us to be empty vessels-and don’t miss this- He is the overflow. There is nothing we can muster up within ourselves that will suffice for the greatness God wants to display from within us. But that greatness?

It is totally and fully Himself.

We are dust; yet we are His dust and this changes everything.

Any and all of our moments on earth find meaning in our Creator who set the earth in motion and calms the very raging sea that He caused to rage.

He is the One who deserves, and will ultimately get, the glory.

My question is this:

Do we want this?

Do we truly understand why He gets the glory, and do we deeply and fully want Him to get the glory?

I know, I know. We are supposed to simply say yes, knowing that’s the right answer. Right?

No.

I believe in a God who would rather us wrestle with the hard questions instead of spouting out the “correct” truth. You see, we do not digest something we simply swallow down without wrestling.

It is in the wrestling that we begin to formulate the deepest seated truths within our very core.

It’s why I believe in complete, unedited authenticity both with God, with self, and with others.

If we aren’t talking about the stuff that makes us squirm, then we aren’t really thinking.

I know so many people who go from task to task, trying to avoid pondering the truth about life at all cost. They work, work, work, then play, play play; and if emotions or questions about what really matters ever comes up, they flee.

Why?

Because they have forgotten the inevitable truth that every last one of us is going to face, regardless of what we believe.

Let’s just go there.

We are all going to die; and none of us knows when.

Sure, there may be a range for the “normal” amount of years that one might have. Yet, we have all seen it in our own stories; the truth that death can meet us at any point regardless of age.

Whether you spend your days avoiding thinking about it or not, you are going to die.

And then what?

What you think about this is crucial to how you live the remainder of your time here.

I have envisioned the moment often- the girls’ death. Sometimes, I find myself daydreaming about who will go first- them or me. If it’s me, particularly if the unexpected, I find myself anxious about what will happen next. If I’m honest, I usually assume it will be them. I wonder what exactly will happen. Will it be illness? Will we find out about some layer of this disease that will lead to further complications?

This is only morbid to you if you have not been in similar shoes as ours.

Any parent who has lost a child or has a child with medical special needs has envisioned this scenario at least once, some of them playing it over and over like a record in their heads that just won’t stop.

As a Christian, rather than getting caught up in the earthly details, here’s where I fixate my mind:

I picture the moment that we have all passed from this earth. I see Ally and Bailey Grace meeting me at the heavenly gates, clothed in the most beautiful white linen I have ever seen, running-no, sprinting- directly toward me. The road they are running on is the purest gold I can imagine; the gates are made of intricate pearls. There is no disability, no sickness, no mutation in sight. Bailey Grace and Ally appear fully whole- absolutely healed. They latch on to me and we embrace, for as long as we want, for time knows no limit.

Now, I’ll be honest. I don’t know if this moment will ever happen. Truthfully, while the Bible gives us descriptive words and visions of what heaven is like, it doesn’t mention the exacts about our interactions with our loved ones in that moment.

But, you know what it does mention?

Our interaction with our Savior.

And, an honest question I have to ask myself is this:

Do I picture that moment, the One I meet Him finally face-to-face, with as much excitement?

Do I truly get the magnitude of that moment in which I will be clothed in linen white as snow?

Point blank, do I grasp the glory that is coming and do I long for it more than anything else?

That day, however near or far, where I look at the God of the Universe in the eyes, bow down and simply say, “Jesus. I am righteousness because of Christ and Christ alone”.

Simply put- do I want to give Him the glory He deserves in light of that glorious day?

In church, we sometimes assume that He is going to ask us why He should let us into heaven. I know there is a verse or two that suggests this. Yet, this running into our Father’s arms and embracing the One we have longed to fully know our entire lives, this seems more fitting.

Don’t you think that God sees us as I see Ally and Bailey Grace?

Maybe when that day comes in which we pass from earth to heaven, He is going to greet us with the exact same thoughts as I long to greet the girls with:

“There he/she is! Fully whole. Fully healed.”

“No more tears, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain, no more death.” (Revelations 21:4)

Does it boggle your mind that the God of the universe longs to embrace you in streets of heaven?

It should.

If you aren’t getting why, “Who do you want to get the glory?” and, “What happens when you die?” tie together, let me make it simple for you:

God is ultimately going to get the glory in all things. The ultimate glory is going to appear whenever He comes back or we meet Him in heaven, whichever comes first. If this is the glory we say we desire for all eternity, should we not live as if that is our goal, now?

Forever can begin today.

You see, so many of the verses in the Bible that correlate with glory talk about the glory that will be revealed (Romans 8:18, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, Colossians 3:4). Yet, in Christ, in the midst of a broken and fallen world, we can find joy and hope and endurance in light of the fact that He has already won the victory and the glory is already His.

We don’t have to wait until we get to the gates to celebrate the Hope that’s already been won.

In light of what we know about what’s coming, we can desire- truly desire- for Him to get the glory now. In all things. In all ways. At all times. No matter what.

While many would say it is depressing to envision our own death or the death of those we love, as a Believer, when I fully remember what Christ says about my time on Earth, I can rejoice and be free from the fear of death that could enslave me (Hebrews 2:15). In fact, He exhorts us to stop spending so much time fixating on the temporary and to start remembering what we are headed for- true freedom, found only in Him.

We do not have to avoid or fear the things that have no hold on us.

We can live all the moments of our time on earth well, fully free, fully hopeful, desperately longing for Him to get all the glory that only He deserves.

Friends, Psalm 102 is a Psalm that speaks poignantly to the broken and depressed. The Psalmist says this,

“For my days consume away like smoke…my heart is smitten like grass and withered, so that (in absorption) I forget to eat my food”- verse 3-4, emphasis mine.

True, he could be talking about actual food and actual like of appetite, yet I believe he speaks to more than meets the eye in these verses. As I have said so many times before, when we are consumed by our own junk, our days pass feeling purposeless. Our hearts are withered when we are absorbed with the unmet expectations or trials of our own lives. Could the food he mentions be the nourishment that comes from the truth of God’s Word and fixing our eyes on His kingdom and His glory instead of our own?

The Psalmist goes on to say these simple words in verse 12,

“But You, O Lord…”

When we are feeling hopeless and downcast, our vision is always turned toward the wrong thing. We must set our eyes on God, His glory, and the things of heaven in order to find joy and peace.

To live fully and freely, our earthly days must be seen with heavenly lenses.

Today, may everything you do and everything you say and everything you think be filtered through the glory that is already His. May we not avoid wrestling through the uncomfortable things in order to see His holiness more clearly, and may our understanding of why He gets the glory spur us on to desire Him to get the glory all the more.

There will be a day.

Hugh and I have been together nine years. We have been on the medical journey for the entirety of our relationship: first, studying for the MCAT. I still remember the moment when his score came up on the computer screen, and the look on his face showed me he was pleased with how he had done. I have had a lot of those moments since then- determining my level of excitement on said thing based on his reaction. After the MCAT, there was medical school. Step 1, Step 2, and Step 3 followed along with Match Day and residency, in which he sometimes worked 80-90 hour weeks. Nine years of serving in this thing called medicine, and we have three and a half more until the training is finally over and “real life” begins. We will then begin paying off the astronomical debt we have ensued throughout the past decade. When Hugh and I’s relationship began to get serious, I remember many people giving me a mental high five whenever I would tell him what profession he was going into. I was in love, and while I didn’t give it much thought, I too thought this medical life sounded somewhat glamorous. Yet, as the years went on, and the days got longer, I became weary on the journey. And then, this happened:

After traveling to Ethiopia with Hugh and watching him be the hands and feet of Jesus to patient after patient, I suddenly got it. I understood why Hugh had been called to do what he was doing. His compassion for the patients was God-given, his precision with their care was remarkable, and the way that he passionately loved each stranger put in front of him was absolutely beautiful. Keep in mind he was a medical student at this point and was basing each interaction on the little experience that he had under his belt; yet it was not his medical knowledge that was impressive to me. The gift that was so obvious to me was this gift of divine appointments: treating each patient’s physical problem first, and then getting to conversation he was truly passionate about, namely, their spiritual health. I loved watching him do what he was called to do, and I was proud to be the (girlfriend at the time) of an almost physician.

Fast forward five years, a marriage, and two kids with special needs later. When Hugh begin to think about what specialty he felt that he was called to go into, I simply told him I was supportive regardless. While his career choice certainly affected me, I also know that ultimately, he was going to be the one serving in the environment he chose day in and day out; and I never wanted to hold him back from doing what he felt most excited about. As he started to talk to me about pediatric emergency medicine, all I could picture was a lifetime of night shift. I would show excitement to him, talk about how great I thought he would be at it (which is true); yet, my heart felt heavy at the thought of being alone (often) at night with our twins who have special needs. Because the girls do not sleep well, and because the prognosis is not concrete, nighttime broods anxiety for me already. A tiny sliver of bitter crept into my heart, as if to say, “I’m excited for Hugh, God, but what about me?” And then, I received a simple text message that rocked my thinking altogether. It was from a friend who was following a three-month old’s story on the internet. The three-month old’s grandmother had posted on this child’s page, giving details about the first couple days in the hospital. I read these words:

“I’d like to especially thank Dr. Hugh Cheek. I’ll never forget the way he sat beside her bed just rubbing her tiny leg and saying, ‘I just feel like something else is wrong…’…Dr. Cheek came in and we talked a bit more, then before he left the room he looked at my Saved Life t-shirt and said, “By the way, we put our trust in the same place.’ How comforting it as to hear him say that, but his actions had already spoken that to my spirit…just after 3:00 AM the nurse came in, apologized and said that Dr. Cheek had asked for another blood draw. He came in shortly after and said, ‘There’s just something else going on. I have been praying for her all night.’ Thank you Dr. Cheek for listening to the Holy Spirit speak in your spirit for, as we now know, there was something else wrong, and by the time her little tummy started to swell the blood work was already in and they knew a little more about what was going on…another move that I felt saved her life.”

As my heart warmed with pride for my incredible husband, it was spurred even more on to the incredible God that placed a calling in Hugh’s heart almost ten years ago. A calling that goes much deeper than the physical and grabs straight on to that which really matters: the souls of men. Suddenly, I got it. I understood that truly, this grandmother needed Hugh more at 3:00 AM that night then I did. Now, don’t get me wrong. If something were to go on with our girls, with all due respect to his patients, Hugh would be out the door and at our house. Throughout this entire journey, he has made it clear that he was not going to ever put work above family. He has been determined to show me that studying, rotations, patients, and the like would never be placed before the family God had given him. Yet- those 3:00 AM moments in which it feels as if I am all alone at times completely make sense in light of the divine appointments that God has ordained.

Friend, I don’t know if you can relate to this at all. It is somewhat out of the box for my usual posting, yet it was placed on my heart and I am sure for a reason greater than I know. For those of you who have become weary of your spouse’s calling, whether in the ministry, the military, the medical field, or somewhere else, I pray this would be manna for your soul. I hope that this would be a crucial reminder to you that your spouse and you are in this together and that you, too, are ministering to countless lives whenever you see your spouse walk out the door to go serve. This is a joint calling, and God is going to equip you to make it through the journey. You may not ever get to see the fruit of it on earth, but rest assured, the fruit is there.

Being a part of many different support groups for caregivers with special needs, I sense so much bitterness toward the medical community. So many people think they are frustrated with their physicians when really, they are simply frustrated with the hand they have been dealt. I get it. I get that, particularly when your child(ren) has a rare disorder, the medical community is learning alongside you. I understand that there are some physicians whose knowledge and bedside manner don’t add up, and sometimes, they simply don’t have the answers. So many comments hurt my heart when I watch others bash the very people that are simply trying to help. Yes, momma always knows best, and a trained doctor has the wisdom to know that, yet could we also take into account that doctors have years and years of experience and training and that sometimes, they actually know what they are doing? Furthermore, I want to encourage you that it’s probably not the doctor that you are upset with. I believe that God is sovereign with every molecule of my being, and I believe that He is the One who is the answer to every mystery and knows all things. Because I believe this, whenever I begin to feel stressed or upset with our team of physicians, I always remind myself to go straight to the Source of All-Control Himself: God. I want to exhort you to go to Him when you begin to have feelings of animosity with the medical community; remembering that they are merely human, too. God’s plans for you and your loved ones are plans to prosper and not to harm, and He promises to work in all things. A good physician knows their limits and embraces their own humanity after all.

The people that God has placed in our lives are gifts to be enjoyed and embraced and cherished. Whenever God calls them to go serve in other realms, may each of us be reminded that God in His sovereign wisdom has determined that in those moments, someone else needs them more. Today, I pray we would appreciate the God-given calling of those around us. When enduring the divine appointments feels lonely, may each of us choose to bring our emotions to God, knowing we are never alone when we are with Him. May all of our 3:00 AM’s be met with grace, from now until forevermore.