I have blind spots.
These don’t necessarily affect my structural vision, yet they do affect my spirit; some sort of spiritual blind spots if you will.
It occurred to me yesterday that one of the missions behind this ministry is for me to be able to authentically share my blind spots in hopes that you will see the blind spots in your own life and be able to not only recognize them for what they are but be freed from them.
I don’t want you to have to learn the same lessons over and over again like I have had to do.
They say experience is the best teacher, and I pray that it can be the experience of others God places in our lives as well.
So I led them out of the land of Egypt and brought them into the wilderness.- Ezekiel 20:10
Our family has been in the wilderness for what seems like forever. As I read though the old (and new) testaments, I am comforted that we are in good company.
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.- Matthew 4:1
When He led the Israelites to this wilderness, God made it pretty clear- okay, very clear- that He was doing this so that they would know He was Lord and turn back to Him.
Why do we have to go to the wilderness in order to see Him most clearly?
I get it. I get it because this wilderness of life He has us in has caused me to seek Him like never before.
I get it because I see those around me offering prayer for friends and family that find themselves in the wildernesses of life.
But sometimes, it’s just plain hard.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted this week.
To make things clear, the girls have had sleep trouble for almost two years now. They slept through the night for a few glorious months, and then the unknown reared its head yet again. For those problem solvers reading, we have thought of it all. We have consulted all of our physicians, numerous times, and nothing seems to quite line up. So, this waking up a few times a night has been our norm for what seems like always. I can handle no sleep. What pains me is watching my sweet girl writhe and scream in pain for hour upon hour. While rest would be nice; I would stay up a million nights in a row instead of watching her cry like this for one. We are going to the doctor today to do some labs and talk through some estimations of things we could change or do, yet as I felt myself feeling extra worn down yesterday afternoon, the phone rang.
Anytime my caller ID reads, ‘Genetics’, my heart flutters.
Spoiler alert: here comes a blindspot.
Because of some confusion between organizations, we were told that information had been construed and things were not as clear as they seemed and by the way, there is only one other person with this mutation and no studies seem to be going on at this time.
I hung up absolutely devastated.
I began questioning God’s authority and ways in my head, and practically cursing Him in my heart.
(Yes, that question I have preached for you all to not ask- replaying in my mind on repeat).
I determined in less than two minutes that yes, God was going to get the glory in our story; but that certainly in light of this He could not be for us.
I started thinking about what Hugh and I were going to do that night in order to mask the pain- you know, those temporal go-to’s that may be individualized but are point-blank idols used to cope.
Within one phone conversation, my faith was weakened.
About ten minutes later, our genetics team reached out to me again. They apologized for the miscommunication, said they had spoken to other resources involved, and that the information from prior conversations still stood.
Still more families with this mutation.
Still publications being written up.
Still more knowledge waiting to be unveiled.
While I was relieved; more than anything, I was so ashamed.
Friends- things are not always as they appear. God is for us, and just because the circumstance takes a turn, this truth still stands. Don’t let one situation with man break the trust you have been given in the Father.
This particular blind spot not only led me to repentance of my unbelief and distrust; it also led me to some beautiful conversations with my Lord.
When we say, “God I can’t be faithful anymore”, He gently whispers to us, “I know- but I can. Your faithfulness has never been the key- in fact, your lack of faithfulness was what led me to the cross in the first place. My faithfulness is the key, always has been and always will be.”
For the wives and mothers out there: there are days where it feels like my energy is spent and I just simply can’t be a good wife and a good mother.
I truly feel like I have no more to give.
I grieve this and wish it wasn’t so but after caring for the girls’ needs and handling the unpredictable things that appear throughout the day, some days- many days- loving Hugh the way he deserves feels like just too much.
He reminds me that He has not only called me to be the girls’ mom- He has called me to be Hugh’s wife as well- and this calling was not only first but is a covenant between the three of us. You see, being a wife and being a mom is a congruent calling and because it was His calling, I can trust Him with the responsibility of making it happen.
Is anyone feeling me here?
Friends, He is God.
Nothing is too hard for Him (Jeremiah 32:17).
Don’t let a blind spot in your own human perspective prevent you from the joy and peace that comes with trusting Him in all things, outside of worldly appearance.
Don’t confuse your vision with His heavenly vision.
As Hannah Whittall Smith said, nothing but seeing God in everything will put an end to all complaining and thoughts of rebellion.
Nothing but seeing God in everything.
I beg each of you- learn from my blind spots and choose to see God in your story not in spite of all the details but simply because He is Lord.
He is Lord, let Him do what is good in His eyes (1 Samuel 3:18).
In all things.
In whatever way He sees fit.
For his kingdom and our good.
And, with every breath and every thought and every move we make, not just with our mouths but also with our minds and our hearts and our actions, might we cry out with all the saints,
To God be the glory.