Hugh and I could do this all.day.long. We love hearing Bailey Grace laugh, and I feel grateful each time she gets in a silly mood because I know that some people will never hear their baby laugh. To most of you, this is a cute video and goes no deeper than face value. To some, I recognize that even this makes your heart drop in light of the season you Are in. While I know I cannot understand, I do realize that for those of you that have lost a child, many times you might read posts like these and hurt. You must certainly think that I have no idea the challenges that come from losing a baby, and for that you would be absolutely right. My struggles, while real, are just different.
I cringe each time I think of the post I typed on September 25, 2012:
“Still in disbelief that God is blessing us with not one-but TWO- Yes, Hugh and I are pregnant…with TWINS!”
True, yes. But as I have watched some closest to me walk through fertility, and I know the wounds that those, like me, unknowingly cause from seemingly innocent posts like this one, I am sure that I put some salt in a wound or two without meaning to do so.
While social media has exasperated the truth I am about to share, I believe it has existed for all time in one form or another. And, I believe it is time to have an open and honest conversation about it: while we are always happy for our friends when they receive something we have not yet received, there is a part of us that cannot help but feel like it is a slap in the face in light of our own life. Your co-worker gets a promotion, and all you can think about is why it wasn’t you. A close friend gets engaged, and your thoughts go straight to what she could possibly offer someone that you don’t. A family member calls to let you know they are pregnant, and tears brim up in your eyes as it is yet another reminder that a baby has been seemingly withheld from you. All your friend’s children are getting married, and you don’t understand why your child hasn’t found someone. A friend of a friend gets healed from their cancer, while you wallow in yours. For me, I watch baby after baby meet milestones with ease, and I can’t seem to understand while neither of mine are able to do so. I made a casual joke about reading statuses about a mom’s two week old rolling over, but in all honesty, each time I read a post or have a conversation with someone concerning their child’s ease of meeting some developmental skill, it feels as if they are directly stabbing at my heart. It feels like a direct attack. The thing is, it is so hard to figure out where to draw the line. It is so relative in the sense that what is hurtful to one person is not at all to another. After all, we are all walking through such different seasons that it would be almost impossible to not offend someone in light of what we have or do not have. In some parts of the world, casually discussing grabbing a cup of clean water would be offensive. While I think we are called to be sensitive to those around us, I think it goes deeper than that. I believe that it is actually a heart issue within those of us that feel like the victim in light of the lives of those around us. I also firmly believe that the enemy of our souls loves nothing more than to make us feel disconnected to those around us, especially in times of hurting. That being said, it would be just like him to try and get us to sense that people are actually purposely trying to hurt us with their words when they are actually just focused on what is going on in their own lives at the moment.
This week, we got news that our physicians feel it is time to do a muscle biopsy. I do not feel it is wise to share exactly why at this point, but they certainly feel like we are headed in the direction of a diagnosis (interestingly enough this happened the day after my post on not waiting on a diagnosis, ha!). We believe this is a wise decision, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I dread every second of it. Here is the hardest part: they are asking us to choose one of the twins to do it on, instead of doing it on both. If they find that which they are suspecting, they will then do a simple blood test of the twin that did not have the biopsy. This morning as I was praying about how in the world we are supposed to make that “choice”, the Lord brought a wonderful truth to my mind. He is constantly picking and choosing, in His wisdom, which of His children are to walk through various trials and tribulations. What He allows in my life, He may not believe is necessary in yours and vice versa. But don’t miss this part: if He allows it, He promises it is good (Psalm 84:11). If He allows it, rest assured that it is a vital part of this journey you are on and a lesson you could not learn any other way. Our God is not only creative, He is also perfectly intentional. As we discussed in my bible study last week, He is not up in heaven randomly throwing bombs without purpose or power in where they land. That is chaos, and we are promised that He is NOT the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). No, friends. He is absolutely in control and rest assured that if He makes a choice for your life, it is essential in your growth and His plans for you. So, tying this together, this is why we do not have to believe the lie that others are out to get us with their joys and easy-breezy moments of life. This is why we can have genuine happiness for those around us in their triumphs and smiles. God choosing something for someone else’s life has nothing to do with that which He has chosen for you. Whatever He has put as your lot is His absolute best for you. Believe it! Think about Christ Himself. A sinless God-man walking on this earth, watching others around Him sin knowing He was about to carry the weight of it all, knowing He was about to die a horrendous death for that which He did not do; and He still trusted the Father enough to know this was God’s best. The beauty is that it was! He now sits at the right-hand of the Father because of it all. As we are praying about who to choose for the biopsy, I am relieved to remember that as we bring it to Him, He will ultimately decide who is the best for the test and it will be another link added to her testimony. His best in her life, always.
Friends, whatever God chose in your life today, it is good. It is His best for you. While I do believe that we are called to be sensitive to one another, let’s not get carried away into thinking that others’ joys are our own misery. That’s not how this whole thing works. He gives grace without limit to all who would but ask. All is grace in our lives and the lives of those around us because of Christ and His ultimate decision to obey the Father. So, whether you are up high on the mountaintop or down low in the valley today, be assured that He is right there with you and that His best is not around the bend… His best is enveloping you now. He has chosen these moments and they are nothing short of exactly what you need. Let’s not feel the need to look to our neighbor’s best and mistrust that it should be ours. Let’s trust Him with that which He has given. He is faithful in all things.